The work has begun. Early. I awoke very early this morning with the looming thought of, “What have I just done?” The feeling of immediate regret leads to a mild panic. I just asked for approval. That is exactly what I didn’t want to do. I got ahead of myself. I think big. I think ahead, usually. I have big ideas, to a fault. I typically keep them tucked safely inside. I let one go. It was good. In effort to plan ahead, I invited others to take part.
No big deal, right? Except traditionally, I’ve entangled self acceptance within such invitations. If/when my invitation isn’t accepted, I feel rejected. Even more so, my self worth and confidence take an unhealthy hit. This was my thought pattern as I woke in such a state of distress. I felt as if I took a major backslide in my mission of self reliance. This project is not for others. This project is mine; by me, and most importantly for me, and I’ve already screwed it up!
Deep breaths. Back up, wake up. Okay, feeling calmer. I remember my intent of self reliance, and the conscious process of working on me. This expressive writing is for my own productive state and well being. That’s where the break down was. It is expressive. This is foreign territory, as I said, I keep most ideas safely bottled. Alright. I tell myself, “Wait, I simply invited others to like a means to receive my written works. That’s good. This is a necessary component of expression.”
If I change my pattern, I’m still in the clear. Yes, I’m very good now. I welcomed everyone I could. I’m not a fan of excluding for the sake of excluding. Whether they choose to accept the invitation has very little to do with me. My part is done. I need not continue wishing and waiting to see whether I’ve been received, accepted. I will not hinge on the ledge of anticipated approval. I will continue writing even if no one reads it, because it’s not for them. It’s for me.
Sure positive feedback is highly reinforcing. Sure, it plays a role in growth. However, once it becomes what I need in order to create, I’ve already lost, no matter the quality of the product.
I do hope my writings resonate with those who read it. If anything of what I do, even by example, can assist, validate, or inspire, then I’ve succeeded in more ways than one.
It is still early. Already today, I’ve learned how tricky and dangerous expectations can be. So often we act with the expectation, and even need, of approval. When our expectations aren’t met we are hurt. I don’t have room for any unnecessary hurt. So I’m letting go of expectations, and going back to sleep.