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little posy

Finding my way through life, stopping to smell the posies along the way.

Month

January 2017

Inauguration Day 2017

Foreword:

I typically do not publicly express political opinion.  However, much like many others, I am feeling the weight of the current political climate.  Sitting in silence is not a productive solution, nor is merely spouting my opinion.  Therefore, I’m offering both my opinion and service.  In the near future I will be participating in my local political process by learning what I can peacefully offer and assist with at the local level.  I’m starting with my circle of control, starting small, but starting.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” ~Gandhi

Today my heart is heavy.  My mind is busy as I struggle to find the words to express all that swirling within.  Today history is in the making.  True, that can be said of every day, but today a new global leader takes the stage to represent our citizens and serve as living democracy.

I have disagreed with most of his public statements, his tone, lack of respect, and his incitement of fear and lies.  I have often listened to speeches and cringed at the sound of his inarticulate use of opinions as facts, and sweeping generalizations without substantiation.  Upon his election, I was deeply troubled, saddened, and ashamed of my fellow Americans.  How is it that we chose THIS man to lead us?  How is it that we chose this bully to represent us in the global community?  There are a multitude of things that I do not understand.  This is one of many.  I simply do not understand how the electorate found agreement with his messages.  I do not understand how the working class felt that this swindler, thieving, top 1% billionaire, racist will be the average middle class, lower class citizens’ martyr in our diverse nation of immigrants.  I remain baffled.

Election day came and went.  Everyone survived.  Mr. President Elect and President Obama met publicly and privately.  It was a peaceful, respectful meeting that gave me hope.  I hoped that it was all an act.  I had hoped that Mr. Trump’s campaign was a performance, and that if/when he took office, he would command honor.  After all, he is a showman and businessman at heart.  Was it all a ploy to gain votes, to tell his base what they wanted to hear?  He knows how to tap into mass psyche and sell.  He is indisputably successful in that regard.  Hopefully, if anything, that will be a strength and not a weapon.  Hopefully, it will continue to serve him well and our nation well in the next 4 years.

Despite my new-found hope and open mind, I was soon dismayed once again.  A presidency is more that the man in charge.  It’s an administration.  Mr. Trump began to choose his cabinet.  What?  Seriously?  These are who you have chosen to guide your decision making???  In my opinion, he chose individuals who are unqualified or misplaced by their expertise in their given position.  Why was Mr. Ben Carson appointed for Housing and not the Surgeon General?  He chose someone who previously disagreed with the sheer presence of the EPA, to now govern it.  And let’s not forget his choice for PUBLIC Education.  These selections are riddled with multiple conflicts of interest both in theory and in business ethics. Again, I dive deep to scrape some hope together.  I hold on tightly to the belief that we all want the same principles, but we differ on the ‘how’ best to achieve them. Perhaps, these individuals in top leadership offices will bring about positive reformation that will indeed benefit our nation and better our lives.  Perhaps, these individuals will think outside the box to reach logical compromises.  Perhaps, I am completely mistaken.  Perhaps…

As Mr. Trump peacefully takes his oath as President of the United States of America, it is with gratitude for the process, and wavering hope that I observe the day’s events.  It is my sincere, enduring hope for empathy, respect, and bi-partisanship to guide innovative progress and replace ignorance, fear, and greed.  I pray that my initial conclusions are wrong.  I pray my disappointment and disgust are inaccurate.   Although, Mr. Trump may not be my chosen president, he is OUR president.  May God guide him and our leaders to lead by His Holy example.  May God Bless America.

Realization & Reliance

Your heart doesn’t need a corrector or a rescuer –
it needs a companion. This is why you are here. To be for yourself what no one else was capable of being for you. Yearn to be nowhere else but wherever your heart seems to be; welcoming each concern, honoring every worry, consoling any pain,
and celebrating all inspirations, one meaningful moment at a time. This is the heart of realization.
– Matt Khan

I have found that there are times when there is no cure for sadness. No amount of chocolate, alcohol, sunshine, hugs, sleep, water, distraction, quiet, or anything else can take away the pain. It simply must be felt. There is no hiding from it, and that’s okay.  This is what it is. I can not control it. I can only feel, cry, rest, or breathe in order to honor my needs. Maybe I channel my energies into art or clearing my space. Maybe I walk or run. Maybe I just sit. Either, or all, is fine.

There may not be that one person to hold you and quiet your fears. The friend that you have relied on may have moved on and grown in their own way. I have found times when I need to be my person for myself. I need to sit with myself, give the comfort, space, and love that no one else can give.  Once again, I accept the pain is mine, no one else’s.

There are times that grief schedules a visit, when I feel that I need to brace myself and prepare. Sometimes when it all returns, it slithers in.  Other times it attacks unexpectedly. There is no shame, no judgment. It’s an energy all it’s own. I commit to honoring it and myself. Welcome self reliance.

In the Aftermath, This Is What Getting Stronger Feels like

When he, my father, passed, I didn’t even know it.  I didn’t know how different my world would be, how differently I would perceive it, nor how differently I would interact with everything around me now. The 2 year anniversary is approaching.  I just realized moments ago that like the wine glass that fell earlier in the evening, I am shattered.  Now I’m cleaning up my pieces.  They are sharp, they cut, no longer beautifully assembled as they once were, but spread out, and broken.  The blunt force of my initial grief has faded.  Now I’m in the aftermath, cleaning up the pieces of my being and trying to put myself back together again in some resemblance of my former self; post storm.

As my husband leaned in to kiss me goodnight, he groaned from his post workout pains.  I responded, “that’s what getting stronger feels like.”  The echo replayed several times in my head as it sunk in.  This is what getting stronger feels like.  It feels like pain, like fear, like missing your best friend, missing yourself because you can’t find those pieces that were destroyed in the fall.  It feels lonely and so morbidly sad.  It’s feeling yourself breaking, still.  It’s being lost, not knowing which way to turn, not knowing how to navigate my new world.  It’s an insatiable craving for connection without a cure.

Yet, it also feels like enlightenment.  I’m learning so much all over again.  Step by step and day by day, I find my way.  It feels like the brink of discovery as I rebuild.  It feels like placing my pieces back together, and somehow they fit better than they did before, truer this time.  I am simultaneously weaker and stronger in different ways.

This is the aftermath:  assessing the damage, redesigning, and beginning repairs.  A painful process of rebuilding complete with set backs, delays, and missing materials.  Maybe once I was a wine glass, beautiful and delicate.  Perhaps someday my pieces will fit better as a juice glass, smaller, sturdier, and more functional.  In the mean time, this is what getting stronger feels like.  Come my completion, I will be built stronger.

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