There are those times that change you. Good and bad, that alter your being in a way that you are since and forever different than who you were prior. Some moments are slight and others are earth shattering. Equally so is the fall out, the period in which all of the effects of the cause are facing you, demanding your attention. It’s the cleaning and repairing the storm’s devastation. It can be the planning of the next step, or the hope of a new life as it gazes before you in your arms. It’s the now what phase. Barely mentioned is the actual event, let alone is the fall out. As unprepared as I was for the event, the fall out holds a relative disorient.
I can’t go back. I want to go back. I can’t trade it. Now after living through it, I don’t want to trade it. It’s now a part of me, or I’m a part of it. Pieces of me have remained, with some pieces now clearer. There are those pieces that are damaged, and then there those pieces that are simply missing. Some have grown, and some have disintegrated. I’ve learned and grown. I’ve also regressed, feeling that I’m starting over from scratch.
The fall out becomes the lost friends, a clearer and yet foggier, more confusing perspective all resulting in a new self. You find yourself rediscovering yourself. It’s an odd process. It’s you, you know you. You know what you like and don’t and need, right? Only you don’t. Now you discover that some things are no longer acceptable. You find an intolerance to certain situations or people. New sensitivities, interests, boundaries, and strengths grow from this intense process of self-identification. Or maybe, you find a need to examine what serves you. It’s a time of transition which Bekah Jane Pogue describes in her book, Choosing Real,
“When transition happens, it’s scattered with a gamut of emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other. Starting is the exciting ideal, but it’s the journey through the middle where faith and identity are refined.”
This is where I currently find myself, transitioning from the event into the fall out. It is here that I am finding the presence and purpose of life’s uncertainty. Or at least, I’m working on it. I am finding peace in the moment. With nothing guaranteed, and yesterday in the past, I’m also learning the present moment is the sweet spot of life. Even during the stress, I’m open to the lesson, hope, and growth that exists among the chaos. I attempt to savor the delicious joy as it comes my way, not missing out because of preoccupations. I’m making time to breathe in life, whatever its form. I’m opening my heart to further explore my relationship with God, and allowing His presence to guide me; not the other way around as I’ve done previously. I continue to recalibrate my filter to only focus on the truly important matters, not becoming overwhelmed with the unnecessary that occupies all too much of our daily lives. I am giving myself rest, the place for all of this to be possible.
I know it may be a lifelong challenge, almost assuredly so. Life will present multiple events, each one creating new, additional fall outs that will continue to alter my soul. It’s up to me to find that space, that sweetness, or purpose to allow myself the benefit of true growth and strength.